Hooray My Ass

The rant button got punched early this morning.

Yes, it’s that rant again.

I took a perfectly pleasant discussion about sequels on
Facebook and though my invective all over it. The worst part is that it wasn’t even my thread. I went all pre-coffee crazy on something ML had started.

Well that’s hardly fair so I would like to once again apologize for that. I would also like to continue the discussion, or at least a portion of it. The question of the worst cinematic remakes and sequels was implied. I wan’t to know your opinion. Rest assured, there are no right or wrong answers.*

In the name of full disclosure and so you know
why I am collecting all of these, I will include my responses** from the Zuckerberg Experiment here:

Before any Hollywood producer is allowed to remake a movie they should have to pay for the widespread theatrical rerelease of the original. If what they really want to do is introduce a new generations to the characters and stories what could be better. If the movie hits they will have made their money and there is no need for a remake. If it tanks they might think a remake would not be financially viable.

Alternatively, all those involved in the remake decision process should be gathered in a room and fired to watch the worst remakes, sequels, and reimaginings Clockwork Orange style. For added torture they should have negative viewer responses piped in as well.

And ECT. Just random bolts of electricity right into the brain pan.

Maybe that nutshot hammer thing from the Japanese game show segment of that episode of

And then later, the reasoning behind the severity of the punishment:

Before we discuss levels of cruelty, allow me to provide my rationalization. My idea stems not from an emotional attachment to certain pieces of cinema but out of a need to protect future generations (Won't someone think of the children?!?)

Movie Producer A decides to remake a film. For this argument I won't even got with a "Classic" like Casablanca (which would probably create too much of an uproar) but something from my own formative years. I'll even stay away from my usual genre and go with a comedy which is slated to be remade.

Ferris Bueler's Day Off.

Jackhole Producer decides this is a good idea. Seven different screenwriters hack away at the original script until it is barely recognizable (we have to update it for today so there will have to be metal detectors and guards in the school and Homeland Security will have to get involved in the search).

In order to totally capitalize on the chance to pull in every possible dollar from the new audience, the casting director panders to the masses and hires the most recent flashes in the pan.

For example: Justin Bieber.

As Ferris or Sloane, not sure yet.


This doesn't even address the poor bastards with OCD


who are compelled to see each subsequent sequel. You know, the ones who sat through all 27 Hellraiser movies.

Really? I'm pretty sure it was 27. It felt like 27.

The movie is, of course, abysmal. However, those too young to know the original now take an attitude of "Yeah, I saw that and it sucked. I don't know what the big deal is."

And they never see the original.

Punishment for all this? I think I took it easy on them.

and finally:

I'll admit it, some of these movies feel like a slap in the face of people who are creating original content.

So there it is. I’m not (necessarily) talking about myself here. I have read a
LOT of good books lately many of which would make great movies.*** I would rather see a new stew with different spices which I may or may not like the taste of than the warmed over, watered down soup from last week.

What I want to know is what movies are we going to make those hangnails watch? List your choices for worst remakes and sequels here or on the corresponding FB post. Feel free to defend your answers.

Remember, no right and wrong.****

*Yes there are. I’ll try not to comment on all the wrong answers.

**The sad thing is that all of this came from a simple 6 word post:
The Crow III: Salvation is terrible.

Crap, there’s another thread.

****This will count as 30% of your final grade.