I’m Tired of Being Scared

Well, there’s a title that you never thought you would read on this blog.

Before you start, this one is going to be a bummer.

That is a difficult thing for me to admit. As a horror aficionado,
1 I generally like being scared. I actively seek out opportunities to be scared.2 However, I have been living with a level of generalized dread that has just started to wear me down. This past week, I have been sleeping in excess of ten hours per day.3 Yes, I have been exhausted, but I think that a huge part of it is my desire to not have to deal with, well, anything.

Despite my rabid to the point of foaming at the mouth posts on the
Zuckerberg Experiment, I generally stay fairly apolitical here on the blog. This is going to break that tradition. Feel free to stop reading here. I won’t think less of you. We each need our safe places and sometimes you just don’t want to read more unpleasantness. I get it.4 Check out now and I’ll see you next week.

Still here? All right then. This is a list of things that I am tired of being afraid of. It is far from complete and stated in no particular order.

I’m tired of being scared about my country. For a while, we were kind of doing ok, relatively speaking. It felt like we were making inroads towards inclusivity.
5 Things were far from good, but maybe, just maybe, good was on the map. Even when the cock drizzle currently occupying the White House and its cronies really started showing their true colors, there was a push back that I could point to and say “See, there are still decent people in the world and we can make things right.” Lately, it seems like the forces of anti-humanity have been re-doubling their efforts to make sure that this doesn’t happen. I fear for where the country will be at the end of this horrible, never ending year.

I’m tired of having to be afraid for people who are different from the people in charge. I want my family, my friends, fuck -EVERYONE, to be able to live happy lives free from racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, all the stupid isms.

I’m tired of hearing anti-science, anti-medicine, anti-intellectual crap being spewed about. I’m tired of opinion and belief being given equal footing with actual knowledge. I fear we may not be able to stem this tide.

I’m tired of people dying from a disease that the rest of the world has been able to get under control. I’m tired of crying for lost loved ones as well as those that I don’t know. I hate that people are still getting sick because people -- politicians
and civilians -- can’t pull their heads out of their asses long enough to do the simple things that will stop this disease from spreading. How can anyone be so self-centered that they are unwilling to inconvenience themselves in order to save the lives of others?

I’m tired of being afraid about finances, wondering wether or not my family, my friends, and the country as a whole, will be able to survive next week, next month, next year.

And on a specifically personal note, I’m afraid that I will now be returning to a job where I have to deal closely with the public on a daily basis. It won’t be the position I was furloughed from, that job is gone. Instead I’ll be working different hours, fewer hours, but with a slight increase.

I hope that all people reading this are well. I hope you are handling things better than I am. Normally, I turn this kind of fear into anger and use
that as fuel to move forward. But right now? I just have to go lie down.

1 Sure, self-proclaimed, but I think that I can carry the title.

2 Books, movies, television, haunted attractions, paranormal investigations...

3 My usual is between four and six.

4 Some of the most relaxing time that I have spent recently was the few days in the hospital. I didn’t watch the TV or listen to the radio. I didn’t have a charger for my phone, so I largely stayed off the interwebz. It was just me and a series of great books.

5 I fully acknowledge that my views on this are likely skewed by my gender, sexual orientation, and race.